Let’s talk about something that doesn’t get discussed enough in men’s spaces: the real purpose of dating.If you’re going on dates with the primary goal of getting someone into bed, you’re not really dating—you’re auditioning people for a role they didn’t sign up for. And here’s the thing: they can usually tell.
The Problem with the Outcome-Focused Approach
When sex becomes the endgame of every date, a few things happen. First, you stop actually getting to know the person sitting across from you. You’re too busy calculating moves, reading signals, and trying to steer the evening toward a predetermined conclusion. Second, this approach turns dating into a pass/fail test where anything short of sex feels like a waste of time. That’s exhausting, and it sets you up for constant disappointment.Most importantly, it’s just not fair to the other person. They showed up to see if there’s a connection, to have an interesting conversation, maybe to laugh a little. They didn’t show up to be a conquest or a notch on anyone’s bedpost.
Dates That “Go Nowhere” Actually Go Somewhere
Here’s what nobody tells you: the vast majority of first dates don’t lead to relationships. Or second dates. Or sex. And that’s completely normal.That date where you realized after an hour that you had nothing in common? Not a failure. You learned something about what you’re looking for. That person who was nice but didn’t spark anything romantic? Still a pleasant evening with another human being. The conversation that was engaging but didn’t have that chemistry? You might have just made a friend, or at least had your perspective broadened a little.Every date teaches you something—about what you want, what you don’t want, how to be better company, how to listen, how to be present. These aren’t wasted experiences. They’re part of becoming someone worth dating.
What Dating Is Actually For
Dating is fundamentally about exploration. You’re exploring compatibility, shared values, whether someone’s sense of humor meshes with yours, whether you feel comfortable being yourself around them. Sometimes that exploration leads to attraction and intimacy. Sometimes it leads to friendship. Sometimes it just leads to a polite goodnight and a story you’ll tell later.All of those outcomes are valid.## The Mindset ShiftInstead of asking yourself “How do I make this date end in sex?” try asking “Is this someone I genuinely enjoy spending time with?” That simple reframe changes everything. It takes the pressure off both of you. It lets the evening unfold naturally rather than following some script you’ve got in your head.And paradoxically, when you stop trying so hard to engineer a specific outcome, you become more attractive. People respond to genuine interest and presence. They can sense when someone sees them as a person rather than a goal.
The Bigger Picture
Building a meaningful connection—whether it’s a relationship, a friendship, or just a good conversation—requires showing up as your actual self and being curious about who the other person actually is. That can’t happen when you’re running a campaign with a single objective.So go on dates. Lots of them. Let some of them go nowhere. Enjoy the ones that are just pleasant. Learn from the awkward ones. Be genuinely disappointed when someone great doesn’t feel the same spark you do, but don’t treat it like a failure.
Because here’s the truth: the dates that “go nowhere” are still part of your life. They’re still experiences you had, people you met, evenings you spent out in the world instead of alone on your couch. That’s not nothing.And when you finally do meet someone where everything clicks—where the attraction is mutual and the timing is right and you both want the same things—you’ll be grateful for all those “failed” dates that taught you how to recognize something real when it finally shows up.