I was never a massive player or ladies man, but the last year of my life has brought me the closest I’ve ever been to being an Incel. I’ve been focused on work, accepting relative poverty in order to build a foundation for myself, and not going out much besides to get fresh air and run errands. I also hung out online, and made friends with a lot of incels and borderline incels on Twitter. I didn’t do this to commiserate. Back then I believed that the black “passport bro” side of Twitter could make me money. There’s some potential in that niche, but it’s a sleazy corner of the internet and far more trouble than it’s worth. Talking to a lot of these guys, a lot of them are incels or borderline incels. It’s a sad state of affairs, but being around them has caused me to form a hypothesis on why there is such a big incel problem around the world.
A lot of cities are just giant shopping malls
There are some things to do in the city in which I live. There are lots of opportunities to hike, we’re close to a few beaches, and there are a couple parks. The poor tend to live in close-knit communities that are designed around family and extended family. That being said, if you want to live a middle class life, and bustling neighborhoods full of street vendors feel foreign to you, the lack of “third places” is palpable. A lot of places are pay-to -enter, plain and simple. This means that young men need to have cash flow in order to socialize. It’s hard to have cash flow in a poor country, and it’s hard to have a lot of cash if you’re young.
Society is to blame for the Incel problem
A common trope in Western society is self accountability, especially for men. Everything is your fault. I don’t think this is true. I think it’s perfectly reasonable to assign fault to things outside of yourself, as long as you understand that it’s your *responsibility* to manage the problem you have. This applies to Incel/dating stuff and other potential problems that may arise in life, as long as you’re fair and balanced. Accurately assigning blame allows you to make the right fixes, as long as you are actively taking accountability and control of your life. Being an incel is often partially the fault of the individual, but the reason there are *so many* incels is the fault of society. So what about society is pushing young men so far down?
Looks are overemphasized
This is a problem in a few hyper capitalist countries, but it seems to be exacerbated in places like the US, where there’s a lot of competition in a lot of different realms. Weirdo shit like child beauty pageants and Instagram theme pages have been monetized for well over a decade now. Even I’ve fallen victim to this- I’m a sucker for fashionable Korean and Vietnamese women in Instagram. I remember being at summer camps, and the discussion about who was hot dominated many a conversation. High school was similar.
Encouraging parents create young adults with high self esteem, and there don’t seem to be that many
It was reported that 45% of young men haven’t ever approached a woman in their lives. This is crazy, and it shows that a lot of people don’t have high self esteem. Why are there so many people like that out there? Well, given the experiences of the kids that I went to school with, the parents are to blame. Parents who put down or neglect their kids are definitely in danger of creating incels.
I’ve seen the best of both worlds. My parents didn’t teach me much about women, but they also introduced me to a lot of really important people, and they expected me to speak to them and not be shy. So basically I’ve been awkward and cringey in the past, but I’m not afraid of talking to anyone. Self esteem is the key.
So how do you avoid creating incels?
The first thing to realize is that by 21 or 22 it’s too late. People are who they are, and they have their own weird preferences and attitudes. If someone’s acting like an incel at that age, it’s up to them to go for what they want and fix it.
But for the younger ones…
Basically get together and be nice. Engage in fun hobbies, just for fun. Create environments that are challenging but low pressure. Be real. Religion helps, but I’m not sure it’s necessary. Just don’t neglect each other. Because when young men are uninformed, clueless, and hopeless…they seem to have a tendency to get weird online, and maybe even get violent in real life.
