There’s a shortcut to understanding people that most of us overlook. We try to learn about someone through their job, their hobbies, their political views, or where they grew up. We ask what they do for fun or what kind of music they like. These things tell us something, but they often leave us with only a surface-level understanding of who someone really is.Here’s what I’ve found works better: discover what creates inner peace for them.Think about your own life for a moment. What genuinely calms you? Not what you think should calm you, or what relaxes other people, but what actually settles something deep inside you. For some people, it’s the rhythm of a long run where thoughts can finally organize themselves. For others, it’s the silent concentration of reading a book in the afternoon light, or the structured predictability of organizing a closet, or the expansive feeling of standing near the ocean.
These aren’t just preferences or pastimes. They’re windows into how someone’s mind works, what they value, and what they’re seeking in life. Someone who finds peace in solitary creative work is fundamentally oriented differently than someone who finds it in hosting dinner parties. Neither is better, but understanding this difference tells you more about a person than knowing their profession or political affiliation ever could.When you know what brings someone peace, you understand their internal compass. You understand what they’re moving toward in life, not just what they’re moving away from. You see what they need to function well, what they’re protecting when they set boundaries, and what they’re craving when they seem unsettled or irritable.
This knowledge is the foundation of real friendship because it lets you support someone in ways that actually matter to them. You stop offering solutions that would work for you and start recognizing what would actually help them. If your friend finds peace in having unstructured time alone, you’ll understand why they keep declining your invitations to busy group activities, and you won’t take it personally. If they find peace in feeling useful and needed, you’ll know that asking them for help isn’t a burden but actually a gift.
It also explains the friction in relationships. How many conflicts come down to two people trying to impose their own version of peace on each other? One person needs quiet and space to reset; the other needs connection and conversation. One finds peace in spontaneity and surprise; the other in planning and predictability. Neither person is wrong, but without understanding what creates peace for the other, you’re constantly pulling in opposite directions.The beautiful thing about this approach is that you don’t need months or years to discover this about someone. You can simply ask. “What helps you feel most like yourself?” or “When do you feel most settled inside?” Most people will tell you, often with surprising honesty, because these questions touch something real. They’re not asking for a performance or a socially acceptable answer. They’re asking about genuine experience.
Listen carefully to the answer, and you’ll hear not just what they do but why they do it. Someone might say they feel peaceful when cooking, but the real revelation is in the details: is it the creativity, the nurturing aspect, the solitary focus, the concrete sense of accomplishment, or the nostalgic connection to family? Each of these points to a different inner need.Once you understand this about someone, befriending them becomes much simpler. You’re not trying to connect based on shared superficial interests or hoping you’ll randomly click. You’re seeing them clearly and relating to that essential part of them. You make space for what they need. You stop expecting them to be energized by the things that energize you. You recognize when they’re depleted and what might actually help restore them.
This doesn’t mean you have to share the same sources of peace to be friends. In fact, some of the richest friendships exist between people whose inner peace comes from completely different places. But you do have to respect what brings the other person peace, and they have to respect yours. That mutual recognition creates safety, and safety creates the possibility of real closeness.
Think about the people you feel most understood by. Chances are, they’re people who’ve somehow grasped what you need to feel settled and whole, even if they’ve never articulated it that way. They’re the ones who know when to reach out and when to give you space, what kind of support actually helps you versus what makes you feel worse, and how to be around you when you’re struggling.
Understanding what creates peace in someone isn’t about psychoanalyzing them or reducing them to a simple formula. People are complex, and what brings peace can shift over time or vary with circumstances. But beneath all the complexity, this question cuts through to something essential. It reveals the internal conditions someone needs to thrive, the environment in which their best self emerges.
If you want to truly understand someone and build a genuine friendship with them, start here. Learn what creates peace for them. Everything else will begin to make sense.