Let’s start with the most important thing you’ll read today: your desire is not a public park. It is not open for commentary, landscaping suggestions, or approval from the neighborhood committee. It is a private, sacred, and wildly individual territory. And the moment you let someone else’s opinion, trend, or raised eyebrow make you feel ashamed of what you find there, you hand over a piece of your soul.
We live in an age of curated attraction. Social media, film, and even well-meaning friends project a thousand messages about what is “hot,” what is “acceptable,” what is “enlightened” to desire. You might be told you should be attracted to a certain body type, a specific personality archetype, a particular kind of intelligence or artistic flair. You might be shamed, subtly or overtly, for what you are drawn to—deemed shallow for appreciating physical beauty, or impractical for being swept away by a feeling, or closed-minded for having a “type.”This shame is a poison. It creates a split between your authentic self and a performance of a self you think you should be. It has you apologizing for your own heartbeat.
Your Attraction is Not a Political Statement
One of the trickiest forms of this shame comes draped in the language of politics or social justice. It’s the idea that your personal desires must align perfectly with your public values. While our values certainly shape how we treat people, attraction operates on a different, deeper wiring. It is not a voluntary endorsement of a social construct; it is a complex, mysterious alchemy of biology, psychology, experience, and spirit.
You cannot will yourself into an attraction to meet someone else’s standard of what is “right.” Trying to do so is a disservice to both you and the other person. It reduces a profound human connection to a checkbox on an ideological scorecard. You are allowed to have preferences—deep, immutable, unexplainable preferences—without having to justify them to a jury of your peers. Your dating life is not a referendum on your character.
The Tyranny of “Should”The other voice is the cultural “should.” You should be attracted to confidence, not shyness. To ambition, not contentment. To rugged outdoorsiness, not cozy bookishness. These scripts are endless. But what if your quiet soul ignites for another quiet soul? What if your peace is found with someone whose ambition stretches only to the garden fence and a good conversation?
To betray your genuine attraction for a culturally-approved script is to build a relationship on a foundation of performance. It is exhausting. And it always, always crumbles.
How to Fortify Your Inner World
So, how do you build a shield against this shame?
First, practice silent sovereignty. When a shaming thought arises—“I shouldn’t like this”—meet it not with argument, but with a simple, firm acknowledgment: “But I do.” Don’t debate your desire with yourself. Just observe it, accept its existence, and refuse to pathologize it. It is data about you, not a defect.
Second, curate your inputs. Be ruthless about who gets to speak into this most intimate part of your life. Does that friend constantly critique your “type”? Does that media voice make you feel less-than for your desires? Distance is not weakness; it is self-preservation. Seek out voices and communities that speak of human attraction with wonder and respect for its diversity, not judgment.
Third, separate attraction from action. You are not your every fleeting thought. Attraction is a feeling. Character is measured by what you do with that feeling, how you treat others, and the consent and respect that guides your actions. You can have a private attraction and still be a kind, ethical, and honorable person. Your moral worth is in your conduct, not your private chemistry.
The Courage of Your Own Desire
There is a radical courage in owning your attraction without apology. It is a declaration that you are the final authority on you. That your inner world is valid. This doesn’t mean you never grow or explore—but that exploration comes from a place of curious self-discovery, not anxious conformity.
The right people—the people who are truly meant for you—will be drawn to the authentic magnetic field you create when you are unashamedly yourself. They will be attracted to your genuine attraction, not a performance of what you think attraction should look like.
So let this be your permission slip. You are allowed to like what you like. You are allowed to be uninterested in what leaves you cold. Your desire is a unique fingerprint, a personal compass. Never, ever let anyone shame you into handing them the map. The territory of your own heart is yours alone to explore. Guard its borders fiercely, and honor what you find there.
