I’m a very easygoing guy. Far too easygoing actually. I’m so easygoing, that people thought I had joined a gang at 15. I had not, I was just nice to some Hispanic kids. I was a tiny nerd, but they thought it was hilarious that I smoked. I made a lot of friends, and people thought I was in the crew. I wasn’t, and I never claimed to be “slime”. But regardless, my easygoing nature has dragged me into some crazy situations, with all kinds of people, some of whom I’m not at all similar too. Being easy going has caused me to appear fake. People don’t realize when they’ve crossed my boundaries, or when I’m indifferent to them. I’m a ghoster, and I’ve recently been making an effort to change that, although it is quite tough.
Being in many different situations has led me to meet many different people. I’ve had a lot of friends, and a few best friends. Now, I basically just have my family. Being in my mid 20s, I was forced to reflect. Am I the problem? Most people keep the same friends for years on end. Well, it turns out I am the problem. When it comes to friendships and relationships, there are 3 mistakes that I found myself consistently making over the course of my late teens and early 20s.
I didn’t pick ethical friends
If you pick an ethical friend and are ethical yourself, then there is no non-utilitarian reason for that friendship to end. People who do right by each other are always able to find a good balance of boundaries and activities in order to keep the connection ongoing.
I grew up before and during the hip hop drug use era. I lived in a multicultural city, before a lot of the Asian people started showing up. A lot of the pretty girls listened to rap and popped pills. Back then, it was cool to be dangerous or rebellious. There seemed to be a strange glee in getting over on others. This probably wouldn’t have been true if I hadn’t grown up in the inner city, but those were my circumstances. So, my friends weren’t very ethical. Some of them did drugs. Some of them scammed. All of them ended up being messed in some way, and I’m not sure if many have changed their behavior. I know many of them have seen the inside of a prison. I became less ethical by extension and came dangerously close to doing terrible things. Now, I have almost no friends. Because the few that ethical enough to hang out with aren’t the caring types or are far away (and would have cut me off if they knew me between 2018 and 2020). My mistake, and I own it.
I moved around too much
There’s power in staying in one place and becoming a pillar of the community. You want to be a known entity who isn’t well-known. When I used to hang out on the streets of my city, I would always hear a particular name. That name didn’t ring any bells, but I finally ask who it was after a few months of hearing it in different places. Turns out it belonged to a major pot dealer. He was getting business and likely making friends just off of the strength of his name alone. This only happens when you’re able to stay in one place for a long time. This lesson can be applied outside of the drug dealing world, obviously. Pick a place and stay there for more than 5 years. Profit.
I tolerated behavior that I didn’t find morally acceptable
I will snitch on you if you put my freedom at risk. That being said I’m not judgmental at all. I’ve met people who have done crazy things, and simply having been near them makes my spirit feel tainted. Only hang out with people who say and do stuff that you would ideally do. Or else you’re just lumped in with bums and miscreants. Terrible.
The overarching lesson: don’t ignore little red flags
One of my old “best friends” ghosted me. He won’t even add me on LinkedIn. This made sad, and extremely anxious about being in the wrong. What did he (or didn’t he) see in me that made him block me? But then I remembered how he kicked our other drunk friend in the temple one night while he was sitting on the ground. He could have killed him. I’ve never done anything like that out of anger or spite. I was going to keep trying, but I’ve decided against it. Better for his coworkers to deal with that energy. Another female friend turned out to a big liar. In one of our first conversations, she mentioned how her dating strategy would be to hang outside of hospitals in seductive clothing waiting around for doctors. We were children at the time. The last time I checked, she’s still lying in attempt to get ahead. Nothing will fix either of my friends and avoiding them once I observed their red flags would have saved me months or perhaps even years or heartache.
People tell on themselves early. The hints are there, you just have to look. If your friend gets snappy when annoyed and you barely know them, you’re probably going to end up getting screamed at later. If your friend is talking shit to you about other people, they’ll probably gossip to you in the future. Avoid all traits that you dislike in people. Your circle will be smaller, but you’ll be far safer and happier. Your friends will also become more ethical. When you start pushing your relationships in that directions, things eventually begin to snowball. I used to hang out with gangbangers and dealers. Then I moved on to druggy college students. Last year I was hanging out with working class people. In a couple years I’ll be fit for polite society. It’s easy to do if you learn to notice good character traits and keep working hard. I’m actually a terrible judge of character, so it’s taking me longer than it should take you.
Clean up your act
The things we veer towards subconsciously can end up destroying us. You might think you’re on the right side of morality, but all takes is an oversight or a moment in which you’re lacking restraint to end up in a very dark place. You can’t go back from doing the wrong thing, and I can attest that even an embarrassing year or two can feel like a massive weight on your shoulders. I really feel for the people I’ve bumped into who have committed violence against others. I can’t imagine that weight on my shoulders. Just my past comments alone fill me with guilt at times. Defending yourself is ok, making money is ok, taking credit for your work is ok. But don’t hang out in the dark. Better to be outdoors than in a cave. Dip out of weird situations fast. Work hard. It’s not hard.
