I went to a therapy group when I was younger. I forget the entirety of the slogan used, but it was a DBT(dialectical behavioral therapy) group that was dedicated to people raised in “invalidating environments”. I’m sure exactly what that means, but I assume a big part of being invalidated is being ignored. I (mostly) haven’t been ignored in life, but I don’t listen, at all. This isn’t because I’m rebelling or being defiant, but I’m just not capable of it. A logical corollary to this is that my family is full of people who are also not very skilled at listening. It’s not malicious, and it’s probably genetic.
I learned a long time ago that I couldn’t depend on my parents. I don’t expect anything from them and that’s been freeing. Unfortunately I live in a poor country, and have had to rely on help from other family members to survive. This is when I realized people in my family simply have a hard time hearing others. To make things more interesting, I realized that the same thing applies to me. Part of the reason why I’ve been able to learn skills and find success is due to the fact that I don’t listen. I’m headstrong, and I’m focused. I’ve been tracking my own results for the last four years, and have made slow, steady progress in many areas of life as a result of being headstrong. This was eye opening and life changing for me. It caused a lot of resentments of mine to dissipate, and it’s helping me work through others. Here are some things that I’ve done, both intentionally and unintentionally, that
Differentiate between those who have trouble hearing and those who are self absorbed
Not everyone is a skilled listener. But it doesn’t mean they don’t care about you or are out to get you. Some people can’t listen because they’re self absorbed. Poor listeners will perhaps understand something after it’s repeated many times. Narcissism is something that you can’t fix at all. Depending on how close you are with your more self absorbed family members, you may or may not want to cut them off. Others can be kept around, as long as you don’t get wrapped up in their bullshit. This can be really tough, and you’ll need a strong mind and an even stronger support system. That being said, if you think you can do it, you should. It’s technically a sin to cut off members of your family, so it should only be done in specific situations.
Work hard
The less you have to depend on certain people, the better. If you live in a poor country, you might have to deal with toxicity for quite a while. This is because the poorer you are, the more you have to depend on others. A lot of people have a “pull yourself up by the bootstrap” mentality when it comes to judging other people, especially the poor. After having lived in two poor neighborhoods in the United States, and having met people from real slums in 3rd world countries I think this is nonsense. It takes a very strong mind to escape an environment in which people are dependent on you or vice versa. A lot of people who think they’ve overcome have fallen a level deeper into the matrix.
Wealth does allow you to escape your circumstances, provided you aren’t limited by your health. If your environment is bad, you should be 100% focused on work until you can have your own place.
Make short term compromises
Family members that are self absorbed aren’t going to be helpful. But as I said earlier, some people are just confused or not that good at listening. Learning to compromise with the latter is your best bet.
Find the family members and friends who do listen
It’s best to stick with the family members who do listen and make you feel heard if you can. That won’t be easy, depending on your situation. Not all of us have the privilege of having family members who are both competent and empathetic. But if you’re competent, hardworking, and empathetic…it’s best to hang around good listeners. It’s a night and day difference, because those family members will also help you strive forward and achieve your goals, provided they aren’t immoral.
Realize Not All Your Family Members Are Responsible For You
I’m not the type of person who believes extended family is inherently responsible for you. If they can help you, that’s nice of them. But only your direct family members are responsible for you in my opinion. Extended family members should be treated better than your friends, but expecting a ton out of them isn’t fair and makes no sense. They didn’t choose to put you on this planet. So take them as they are.
Just do your own thing
Don’t look for approval from people who aren’t good listeners. This is the fastest way to destroy your own self esteem. Make your own plans and live your life. It’s really the only hope you have. Hang out with supportive family members and focus on your own goals. Getting into psycho loops with people who can’t understand what you’re experiencing is one of the most purposeless activities in which one can engage.
Cut off friends who can’t listen
Family and friends are two very different entities. Family actually has your back, and you guys are responsible for each other to a certain degree. If you owe your friends something, they’re probably good listeners. Friends who are bad listeners will often make you feel resentful, and bring out the worst in you. Don’t waste time with these people. If you cut them off, you’ll find that your life improves dramatically. You’ll be in a much better headspace if you can avoid weirdos who bring you down.
Not all of us have the benefit of feeling heard and understood, and that’s ok. We can’t control other people, just how we react to them. Be discerning, and work hard. Not just at getting wealthy, but also improving your mental and physical health. This is all easiest to do when you’re wealthy, or at least upper-middle-class, by the way. Also, the wealthier you are, the more people tend to listen to you and what you have to say. Funny how that works.
By Rising Current on .
Exported from Medium on November 8, 2024.
